Drowning: Lessons from the Dating Pool
My boss called the other day. She needed me to write an article about dating for our magazine. Dating? Me? I had terrible luck in the department of love. Ever since my divorce, I’ve been jumping from one bed to another, trying to find whatever it is I was looking for (a hot guy who would buy me dinner, please me in bed, tolerate my kids and dogs, and text me Good morning, beautiful every morning while not sleeping with anyone else). Why did she think I was in any place to give advice to other women? I had no clue what I was doing!
I started to write about the things I had learned. Take it slow. Don’t sleep with him on the first date. Offer to pay so you owe him nothing. Let him chase you. Make sure your views align.
Barf. This was all so cliche and had been done before. Look. It was so bad.
I used to worry about whether or not men would respond “the next day.” Sometimes, I’d get into a really dynamic conversation through text (in the apps such as Bumble or Hinge) and things would be going really well! We’d be actively chatting back and forth and then someone would have to go to bed. I’d promise (or he would promise) to write in the morning, and then I’d never hear from him again.
This bothered me so much. What did I do wrong? Was I not exciting enough to continue speaking with? Should I have stayed up later, come on stronger, promised more?
The answer is absolutely not. If a potential date does not respond the next day, I will never, ever take responsibility for that. That’s on them. Let’s think about this for a minute.
If you’re “hot and heavy” at 11pm one night and by morning, you can’t be bothered to write back, why is that? For me, it’s generally because the thrill wore off overnight. If I’m being completely honest, I get excited over one photo and begin the conversation but sometimes when I go back and review other photos, or read a potential date’s profile in more detail, I’m no longer interested.
Are you wondering how to avoid this? The answer is simple: slow down. Inspect ALL photos before you engage. Is he showing his teeth when he smiles? Does he have any photos where he’s not wearing a hat? Is he using filters? Are pictures too far away or shadowy or unclear? What is his height, if this matters? Do his religious and political views align closely enough with yours? Does he have children? Does he want children?
I could literally fall asleep reading my own writing. Women knew this stuff. I didn’t have much to offer that hadn’t been suggested before. Protect your personal information. Use a Google Voice number. Don’t invite him to your place on the first meeting. Check your own social media usernames for potentially identifying information to keep anonymity at first.
Screen thoroughly, vigilantly, and mercilessly. Reverse search his phone number. Ask for a current picture taken that day or week. Check out his social media if you can. Never apologize for having standards.
Trust your gut. Always, always, always.
Of course, my piece got rejected and I didn’t make my deadline. The assignment was given to someone else — someone who presumably knew more about giving women dating advice, someone wiser and more eloquent than me.
Since high school, it has been drilled into me to write what I know. I know how much I love my dogs and kids. I know middle-class, white privilege. I know parents who supported me both emotionally and financially. I know a fairly boring divorce with an amicable aftermath.
I also know bad dates. Oh yes, I know bad dates.
This was going to be something worth publishing.
Whether you’re on the market, dating again, contemplating dating, or off the market completely and just wishing to be entertained, I hope these stories will inspire you to stay true to yourself, do your research, map out your goals, and self advocate. Life is too short to waste time with someone not worthy of your love and attention. Be discerning. Go at your own pace. Be open to new experiences in a safe and comfortable way. While dating can sometimes feel like drowning, you’re the only one who can teach yourself to swim.
Now that all that has been said, please enjoy these stories of me seeing a lot of small dicks, getting fucked in the ass, and being rejected by men whose names I struggled to remember.
Get ready to see me drown.
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